Something Random, Something Nice - Whatt'e S'prise!

This past weekend was fucking awesome!... :D

Alright, ya filthy Attention monger - Cheer up before I open a can of whoop ass on ye!

Literally one of the best weekends ever since I moved into this Godforsaken village I call home. I mean, seriously; when the only idea of entertainment in a city is to sit thru an entire day in the cinemas only to top it off with a couple of potent drinks that'd put a drunken monkey to shame, the idea of having a couple of your friends crash one of your boring weekends just to watch that priceless reaction on your face is actually pretty nice!

And, that is precisely what happened to me! Imagine traveling thru rail, bus and a goddamn bullock cart thru 1000 Kms and two states, just to meet up with a person as severely retarded as me [Trust me here, if I'd have a brain analysis done, I could easily apply for disability quota] it does say something. And all this, for the simple reason that when I spoke to; let's call him 'M' and told him that life is so pathetic that hanging myself into oblivion seems so much more exciting. Given the fact that it came out of my mouth - it drove a couple of perfectly awesome guys - fucking nuts.... Ooops!! Guess, having a pal like me makes you do those kinda cute stuff eh?....

So imagine my profound surprise on the level of : " Wha'tha fuck you guys doing a 1000 miles away from home on an early saturday morning!!!?", followed by "You guys came down all the way just to cheer ME up!?.... Fuck!! You guys are fucking insane!!!!"... Yeah, you get the idea....

The weekend itself was awesome. Lots of sight seeing in a city considered to be rich in history, gastronomical adventurism, a crazy shopping hunt for some particular topi[skull cap], wolfing down sinful kebabs and mint based rotis[flattened bread; baked like pancakes], a nightcap under the bright moon and stars, complete with some 'Bud'weizer therapy and seeing who can identify the most number of constellations.....Yes. It was a weekend spent and spent well!

Thank God for friends who spring these small little things on you that makes you smile. I'm glad I do have the handful of friends who genuinely care enough about me, to abuse the shit outta me every time I even think about life being meaningless...:)

So? What's the best thing your friends have done for you lately?..:)

Alone but not Lonely........ Right?..

Loneliness is a crazy and a retarded feeling..... More strange than either crazy or retarded. And, that is what makes it all the more difficult to ignore..... When you have a feeling, that follows you like a silent butler, shadowing everything you do, like someone; or something slowly chocking you and dragging you deep into depths you don't want to perceive, yet never making you feel fatally endangered - how do you learn to ignore that? Or even worse, cope and get on through as if nothing's amiss.......

It's not that loneliness is such a bad thing. Sometimes, the best days in my life have been when I have had a crushing sense of loneliness that somehow makes me pensive (Well, pensive 'er') and puts me at the risk of spitting out venom like this.... But anyhow, what I'm saying is that loneliness at the worst makes your day very very quiet.... And it is funny how through the stress of a 'normal' working day, people just wish and hope for peace and quiet and when that moment arrives, freak out like the world is on a really vile acid trip....

Loners really have no problem being alone. Really. But, the rhetoric question is - does being alone pave the way to loneliness? Or does being lonely mean that you are alone?.... Why does the society place so much importance on being engaged even at the cost of incompatibility? Is it because the society has the best interest of the individual? If the society cared so much about matters of the mind and psyche to prevent people from feeling lonely, then why is that people seeking professional help for matters of the mind and psyche ridiculed and looked upon as queer?..... And, what is that very fine line that separates sanity from insanity - from being a loner to being lonely.....?

The need to be with someone is a basic human emotion and because there is so much of said and unsaid bullshit in this world, that sometimes being in a relationship itself would cause the maximum heartburn. Too much expectations, too little trust, too much male chauvinism, too little femininity, too long or too short, whatever....... Sometimes it looks swell to stay a loner. But, just because someone is a loner, does not mean that they are lonely. Loneliness is more a matter of the mind than of the heart. It is more a matter or reacting to conditioned societal stimuli than a matter of crippling depression, it is more a matter or being proud of who you are; rather than looking up to the society for validation.

So by all means, be a loner. Fall in love with yourself, explore yourself, enjoy your own company and look at life from your perspective until you are happy to just be. For, if you do not realize your own worth and do not enjoy your own company; then how do you expect someone else to enjoy it for you? Do not let the society decide whom and when to see and what to call it..... For, the more you understand yourself, the better someone else will understand you. After all, a relationship is about two people - each with his own warped opinions on life that the other should only strive to accept and tolerate and never change.

Be happy to be alone. Be alone to be happy.

[But, don't let me decide for you!]

I Hate Kids, like I love'em......

Children are so overrated.

There is an unspoken taboo in our society where if you admit that having kids wasn’t quite what you thought it would be and that if you could do it all over again that you would have chosen NOT to have kids, that you are a monster, an evil, despicable monster.

The truth is a large percentage of parents HATE being parents (DIBS on how many parents are secretly banging their heads on their monitors, right now). They will never say it out loud and they can’t even admit that to themselves because “only an selfish, evil demon” would come to that conclusion, they think.

For every precious moment where the little brat does something special, there are 1,000 moments where they drive you crazy.

They literally tear your life upside down. Marriage, your social life, the list goes on and on and on.
Oh yeah, the worst part is yet to come – the teenage years.

The reason people have children is because of this unwritten societal norm where the standard is to get married and immediately begin to produce offspring like a vending machine on a cocaine trip; because “that’s the thing to do”.

I think most people end up having kids because 1) They’re too stupid to know how to use birth control properly 2) There is a severe shortage of electricity in the night and there is nothing for a couple to do except maybe ‘Do it’ and/or 3) They have an idealistic, completely unrealistic vision of what parenthood entails.

It's gonna be like this, only a LOT more terrible....

People imagine dressing their daughter in pretty clothes, or playing catch with their son. They don’t think about being awoken at 2 a.m. by a sick, screaming kid who just threw up all over the bed, and who doesn’t give a fuck that you have to get up for work in four hours. They don’t think about the mortgage company threatening to foreclose, or the electricity being shut off, because the husband can’t pay all the bills on one income.

More people should think about these things, and fewer people should be having children. Parenthood should be left to those few couples who are willing to take the good with the bad along with a hefty bank balance that ensures the poor baby does not have to end up facing the ultimate humiliation of the father looking dead into his/her eyes sixteen years from the day they were born and being told: “I wish I had wasted you in the bathroom, you, you sick fuck!!”.

Seriously, the way I see it people just do not understand the working and the finer nuances of being a family in a society that has continuously been flipping you the bird since the day you are born. Most of the people I know have married – not because they were ready to – but because they could not handle the emotional distress of having to give the neighbor’s a detailed account as to why their upset dad climbed up the chimney wearing only a diaper and screaming “Dude, get married!!! NOW!!”  I know a lot of guys who tie the knot precisely because they are manipulative emotionally and who just don’t have the kind of balls required to stand up and give a glowing account of why it would be so terrible to get married at that time and how much the poor ‘perfect match’ is going to suffer because of being forced into a marriage. I mean, the world is already over-populated with every imaginable abomination Satan ever imagined. So, it’s not like the human race is threatened to extinction and only your marriage and spawn can save it.

There is a problem with the society we live in. Yes, by ‘we’; I meant all of us. The Indian society is a unique and exquisite example of something so balls-shiveringly complex that it has been flipping the bird at anyone so minutely unfortunate to being a part of it. Not to poke holes into the very society that is fully responsible for churning out another maniac cynic (that would be me, D’oh…..) but in a way you look at it, the whole setup looks diabolical. On one hand, is the temptation to sin to such an extent that the Devil himself would wish for a vacation and on the other hand is the perverted need to keep up a charming face that the society can at least bear with. 

By the time you reach your late 20’s or 30’s or whenever it is that you wish to marry (Why would you want to do that?) you have been completely mind fucked by the duality of existence and ass wiping (If you’re working in a corporate), that marriage and a life time permit to ‘hot’ sex looks like something that you just need to bite into. Never mind that the guy has a huge loan on the loan he took to buy a car because his huge house taken on a loan felt like the Eden Garden Cricket ground. Holy shit, I never thought I’d live to write a sentence like that, but anyway; you get the idea?

Marriage and kids are not a poor man’s game. Buying stuff and ensuring to provide 2 square meals a day while your credit reliability slowly sinks deeper into a black hole; is not love. You are just providing for your family, if you cannot even do that comfortably; you have no business of even marrying in the first place. And, in an economy like India, that is saying a lot. So, coming back to the point of kids – there is a rule that you need to know – if you have spent half of your working years desperately trying to make ends meet while making it look like you are comfortably numb in the society, you know for sure that all those jealous people out there are already rubbing their hands and wetting themselves in anticipation of the colossal fuck-up that you are going to make of your life – all for the simple reason that you let somebody else decide when you would need a warm bed. And let’s all face it. Once the first step is done, the rest of the way is a clusterfuck of carnal needs and 2 minutes of pleasure, because you know; Oh Come on! – Which is gonna last for at least the next 25 years of your life? Go ahead; take a moment to let that sink in while I wait for you….

Seriously, It looks a lot better this way....

And all through those 25 years you are going to crib and curse and swear (and if you are lucky; choke everyone responsible) about how no one told you this was so tough. Oh and while you live the rest of your life a walking, farting, swearing imbecile, the kid that you decided to go in for is freaking out at the utter insanity of life, slowly turning into everything you don’t want him/her to be. Then one fine day, those kids will have kids of their own who will in turn flip a couple of more birds at everything around them. Yep, it’s a vicious cycle….

Damn!! And you thought programming that pesky check so your client can go and whack off in sheer satisfaction was tough? 

Who the Fuck' am I?!?

So, I was watching this video on YouTube (The great Indian Wedding). This video is about some bride who is a perfectionist and about why she rejected 1000 grooms before she decided that one guy is a right one. But this post is not about her (besides the point that I think she is one of those confused Indian girls who couldn’t differentiate between strength and arrogance). But, one point she talked about made me think how that notion is so stupid. She says, and these are her words, ” Career defines me completely, My identity in todays world is because of what I am.” A lot of people wrongly define their identity as their career. I can totally relate to it, because it's one of the most fucked up notions people stubbornly live by here. Don't believe me? Okay, but when it happens to you, I will be right here with a disgusting scowl that says "Ha! Told'cha so!!".
 
Go and attend a family function. This is why I never socialize with relatives. The first and second questions almost all the guests ask you are “What are you doing now” and “How much do you earn”. What the effing fuck do you mean what am I doing now ? Don’cha see? I am enjoying my paneer dhokla, ya schmuck!. Oh, do you mean how I make money ? You don’t know how much now I hate question. I don’t even understand why these folks are so curious about how I make money. Why do they care? I most likely will never be seeing their sorry faces unless another family function comes along. So I later on learned not to talk about my job at all! (Believe me, try explaining to a bunch of ignorant fucks who are already drooling over the cash wad you pull in at the end of the month, about Clinical Research). Let me rephrase your question and answer that. I enjoy my life and if you would be kindly obliging, I wish to get done with your stoooopid question and enjoy my life some more. That’s what I did and that’s what I am doing now and that’s what I would do for the rest of my life. I started talking about how I enjoy my life and sometimes explaining why their life sucks! Sure, I’ve pissed them off - precisely my point!  

From a very  early age we are trained to answer questions about ourselves to associate their career with identity. Questions like “what do you want to become when you grow up” make every child get into that same disguising loop of thought that career is the one identity they should be focusing on!

I love to travel. I love music. I love converting a plain ass piece of paper into a tangled mass of psychedelic colors. I love playing on my guitar. I love to read and maybe, write. None of them have been my careers (but surely had an impact on how I, see and do things). So, if somebody is interested in knowing about me, should'nt they be asking “Who are you” “What do you like”? Nope. They ask me what do I do! What The Fuck do you mean what do I do? I've changed like 25 jobs, so on that definition, I changed my identity 25 times in my life .. I have been a waiter, I have been a bar-tender, a Disc Jokey, a event manager, a tele-sales representative, a junkie (Wait....... What!?? Never mind that). None of them could be my identity (except, maybe the junkie part. I' am still figuring that out). Sure, I made my money from them depending on how desperately I wanted to impress that cute chick with fake boobs. And sometimes I did nothing. So, does that mean I don’t have an identity ? Now, that I am making money (even if it's pathetic), you suddenly became interested in who I am.

I think this is why home-makers get so little value. People who make less money get so little value. If you are running a family means you have skills. If you do garbage, that doesn’t mean its your identity. Probably you can sing, or do graffiti, or jerk off for 10 straight days while listening to nu-metal. I dont know what drives you... But, there lies your identity. I' am not saying that just because I sit in a cold ass cubicle all day and you pick garbage for a living, you suddenly need to be interested in me. No. What I do want to say is, you could be the best painter around for miles and yet you may still end up picking garbage for a living (Yeah, seriously this garbage thing is kinda getting creepy) and yet it is only a matter of time and effort before people start seeing through a week's garbage before they finally realize what you really are. Sometimes you have to walk a few miles in the cold to reach a zone where people know you for what you are worth. But it’s there. You can find it, or you can make it. And when you find it, or make it, or break it.... I only pray that you be yourself; not just your job.

Jaded?

There is a certain irony to early love being naive, foolish and instantaneous. There is also a great deal of good reason  in our parents wanting us to settle down early with the right person, its easier to give your heart away when you've haven't spent a long time collecting life experiences and along with it, emotional baggage.

When I look around me, at the friends I have and the environment I live in, and the one common repetitive theme is that everyone is so jaded, so scarred by some past life experiences that they're holding on tight, to something inside, to themselves lest they let go, that they're passing up on these fantastic people and options that they're being granted.

What happened to the girl I wrote about a few blog posts ago, you may ask. I wrote an exclusive email a few days ago, closing that chapter. She went away and kept me sufficiently 'hooked' so that I'd feel adequately special, but not committed. Regular sms and late nights spent driving the server maintenance guy at Google Talk crazy, denoted interest, but not a promise. I closed that loop recently - I cant be the one who holds on because I cant let go. Sure, I've been pretty knocked up and flattened in my life that justifies me holding on to memories that haunt me, or make me pensive, or make me look like a dumb fuck or all of it, but that did not mean that I was okay with being played around like a mouse.

I met someone else who unexpectedly took my breath away, for a few days before she put a screeching halt to even getting to know each other because she's had a bad past experience. I'm a fantastic guy(retarded, but fantastic), she said - exactly the kind she wants to be seen with(I should have run the day she said that - in the opposite direction). BUT she's too scarred, too afraid to give her heart away again.

I'm SO tired of being exactly the kind of sweet guy, every girl wants, or that fantastic guy that EVERYONE lets get away. I'm tired of hearing the 'It's not you, its me' story. I'm tired of meeting insecure girls who have no fucking clue about what they are going through. I'm tired of sharing myself, and tired of learning to get over moments.

Do we all do this I wonder? Do we let go of things sitting right under our noses? When I think of all the women I've turned down for one reason or the other, I wonder how unhappy I would have truly been had I ended up saying yes to any of them.. I suspect not very. Guess I was just chasing a fairy tale, wanting to fill in a missing space, wanting to get into someone's pants, or add another note to the rhythm.. think what I'm looking for may not exist. So let me restate, and re-evaluate and see if its asking for too much.

A WOMAN [not a HOT girl] who is ambitious and passionate about life and other things, who will love me and my flaws as I will hers, a woman who can be a girl and ride rollercoasters with me and be a child with me, a woman who will know what to do when I'm falling apart to pieces and in whose silent presence (Don't fuss too much when I'm upset - it's a freaking phase and it'll pass) I feel encouraged and comforted in. A woman who is respected by others and who respects others.. A woman who can talk about life and love and the economy and business, someone I will look upto. A woman with a bucket list, a woman who has seen a lot of guys to rejoice and respect a good catch, a woman with love to give and a life to share.

Too much?......... Fuck!....... Please, just pass me my needle...

Kutti.

Anyone Else but You........

The bubble has finally burst. That tiny, joyous and warm bubble that was free to move about being a beautiful gift has finally gone where all the bubbles that end up making you feel good about yourself ultimately go. Vaporized, into space. This blog is an attempt to put down in words how much that bubble meant and why it always ends up this way. Well, Almost.

The 21st century and well past the first decade, and yet, people have problems understanding and respecting the individuals that each and everyone of us are. Is it something we never learn? Why, look at you - yes, YOU - despite of the fact that after having lived so many more years than I have, dont you have that someone you just cannot seem to figure out right, dont you have that someone that no matter what you try to do, always gets you completely wrong? We all do I suppose. That is the beauty of it. Without having these hiccups to shake us out of our mundane existence,  living would just cease to amaze. And, the day you lose your amazement of life, is the day you ought to go hang yourself from the nearest tree.

So why is it that, the people you totally let in on your life and make an effort to know and understand and respect totally get you wrong?. Being taken for granted at times is okay. I 'am talking about the times when they totally believe that you go about doing things you would never even imagine doing. Especially, to people you care for in a sublime way. Why? And, this idiosyncrasy of assuming that two people are in a relationship just because they get along really well is such a lame thing. I mean, if every guy who talks to every girl has to put up with the tag of being 'a couple'; there is then no room for a  nurturing friendship. On the other hand, we do have friends of the opposite gender that totally get along well with us and sometimes even better than the person we may currently be seeing. So that means, friendship can exist in peace without too much importance being driven to the relationship side. And, yet sometimes things fall apart so terribly, its crazy.

There is a saying in English - Don't trust ANYBOBY. I have lived my life by that rule and it works out fine for me. Because, when people see that you are pretty serious about not trusting them initially, they do make an effort to understand where that comes from. We all have our reasons to be the way we are, who's to say that our chosen paths are not meant to be? No one owns the code book of morality, you know? And, when people make an effort to be in your life, you learn to respect the fact that they are reaching out and it would be totally obnoxious to ignore and insult their feelings and efforts. It has always been that way and believe me, it gives you some very good friends for life.

Best Friends?.. Really?.. Who am I kidding??

But sometimes, there comes a girl who'll just waltz into your life and make you feel totally blank. It's like looking into a new mirror and everything about you that you thought did not matter, suddenly becomes something of a sharper, brighter and a more clear image. And, let's face it. Who does'nt like a clear image? This girl - I will call her 'Z' - was such a fresh breathe of life! All the innocence, the sweetness and the joy that she is. Was a great feeling! So much so that in a matter of years altogether, I think I did think of her as some sort of a mirror image for my feminine side. It was good. The kind of warm, fuzzy feeling that only talking to her would do [at least initially] and there was a time when we even wondered what to call it, but realized that being friends and being able to be totally free to communicate without back biting each other would suit us more effectively. And so it was.

Until, the bubble burst from too much rumor and gossips. It's kind of sad, not for the fact that gossips had gotten the better of Z, but because, more so, Z goes about thinking that I' am the very person fueling these rumors. You know, that totally burst everything nice I had done or felt for her. Let's admit that it has been only 2 months since I knew her, which technically speaking, I hardly knew her enough to be upset at all. But, going to the extreme end of the spectrum to say that I create the gossip to gain some leverage out of her name is an insult to the kind of mad motherfucker that I 'am. I mean, agreed, I 'am a motherfucker. But, I 'am a very loyal and sensitive SOB. To bitched about to somebody else makes me look like a complete jackass.

Gotta get this as a tattoo. On my Forehead.

In a way, you know, I think the responsibility is mine. That is the thing about responsibility. It a'int atomic, it a'int divisible. You either have it or you don't. So yeah, if things did end this way, its my responsibility that I let it be this way. You know, I should have never believed Z when she told me - you are amazing. I should have never believed Z when she told me - Women would murder for a guy like you. I should have never believed Z when she told me all of the other stuff that made me feel like someone else because, the way she was seeing me was totally a stark contrast to the idea and belief I had about myself. Although, I did mention somewhere to her that I do not want to be anything more than a friend provided you are okay with it, I still realize that somewhere, I did not do a good job of communicating enough about it. And, that leaves a beautiful girl hurt because, the 'Joker' in me totally had a anger attack and was left deeply hurt by the accusation that I was willingly and deliberately doing all I can to spoil Z's image when I would have gladly jumped 15 stories to save her from a fall and expect only an autograph on my severely plaster-cast body in return.

Its easier to blame than just see things for what they are.

Sigh. This girl - Z, was someone beautiful with her own warped sense of things. I found that interesting and as mysterious as her persona was. A little innocent, a little kiddish, a little sweet, a little bitter, a little manipulative, a little cute, a fantastic prankster and a creative genius. You dont find many people like that. And, having them around in your life itself is a huge thing to happen to your sorry ass that has only seen people shrivel up and die from OD's and everything else stupid. It was such a pleasure knowing someone as genuine as her. So much so that, I did give her a complete free steering to my psyche in a matter of months. All I wanted in return was respect and the fact that she would not bitch about me behind my back and approach me if there was anything from my end that freaked her out.

I' am usually a very nice guy, until something like this happens inside my head.

She did'nt. I understand that she must have been upset too. But, in 2 months if she never realized how much it would hurt me, she probably never knew me at all. Like I said, I admit it was entirely my responsibility. But I do want Z to know that she was probably the only person, who ever was and who ever has gotten to know so much about me in a matter of a very short time. And that she will probably be the one person that I totally care for and wish happiness for as much as I do to any body else, in 2 months of knowing each other. There is no way anything will change that about the way I feel for you dear. I just expected you to stand up for the moment and make yourself counted for. You probably were upset, that is alright. But, still no reason to go about making me feel like an delusional sick whack. That REALLY hurts.

Sometimes, even the best of pals hurt each other.

Don't hold anything against you. Like I said, If you are worried about being stalked, either by me or by someone else, because of me; you can allay those fears aside. The needful have been done. I would never do anything that would make you go crazy and SMS 6 part messages at 2 am in the night. Have no fear. You are forgiven. And I hope, you'll learn to forgive me for being a psionic nuke - up in the head.

I really do mean to let you know that sometimes, despite our best efforts; SHIT HAPPENS.

Because, to me, no matter how much this small misunderstanding costs, you will always be that one person, that little sweet kid, that fuzzy fur ball who was a total rock-a-feller buddy. 




I don't see what anyone else can see in anyone else but you........

Always live by the rule - don't trust anybody sooner than you should.

Dumbness permeates this world we inhabit!!

Randomly Dumb Things – Only posting this because I’m a douchebag and have nothing to do. If you are reading this, you’re probably jobless too….. Go figure!!

Dont you DARE argue about that!!

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
[Well, now we know that carpenters are a very bad therapy choice if you want to get retarded. Perhaps, she ought to have tried some pot or alcohol? Much more pleasurable and guaranteed retardness!]

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

[So now we all know that being pro vegan has got nothing to do with living a longer life! Damn you!! Die vegans! DIEEEEE!!]

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

[Now THAT is a deliberately, very fine artistic touch! R.L. Stine has been inspired by this tragic event and is contemplating on writing a new ‘Goosebumps’ book whose title maybe - Revenge of the Killer Whales???]

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
[If you are a chronic amnesia or a dementia patient – for Christ sake – pick a better profession ya’ Schmuck!!!]

To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved on to intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes in a nonsmoking compartment.

[Always knew Britons [Don’t mean to offend anyone – but just in case you are – apologies!] were perverted. Just dint think, they’d be perverted at the cost of being grouchy socially responsible citizens…]

To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

[I wonder how his last moments were. Would have been funny to think that this guy would have been envisioning a stag head trophy in his living room and now, at that very spot – our man’s photo is up with a candle lit in front of it and a plaque that says: Here’s to the dumbest hunter that ever existed on the planet. For Christ’s sake!! Dude, what the fuck were you thinking!!??]

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
[“Citizens of the Chico be warned that from now on anyone detonating a nuke within the city limits will be fined $500. And, anyone found dealing them to you will be fined $1000”. Would have been very effective I say! But, for that small fact that the entire city would have been flattened like a bug that got squished by a bulldozer and there would have been no one around to go about collecting the fine!]

A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

[Sounds interesting! There are a couple of people that I would want to shoot in the ass. Just wondering if this is a good decoy to actually get them to have to place a beer can on their buttocks so I can like shove a shotgun up theirs and go bang!??]

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
[Must have been one very happy President!! Dear Mr. Walter, we are sorry to break it to you that we are looking for more ‘intellectual leaders’ and since you obviously have no such talent, we are laying you off and paying you a $26 million package to show you just exactly how intelligent someone has to be to occupy this chair. Perhaps, AT&T got a little too intelligent here? As they say, too much of anything is AWESOME!!]

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system."

[Poor guy must have never heard of bad karma, vaastu and Feng Shui. Next time, Oh fuck it!!! Right now, I want to laugh till my sides ache!!! God!! Reminds me of that quote: God is a comedian playing to an audience of people too scared to laugh at his wicked sense of humor.]

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

[I will rule this in favor of the husband! The guy must have been really tense although, how on earth he figured out the two minutes makes me wonder – what the hell was he up to??]

A 25-year-old Argentine man pushed his 20-year-old wife out of an eighth-floor window after an argument, but her fall was broken when her legs became entangled in power lines below. A police spokesperson told the state-run Telam news agency that when the husband saw the woman dangling beneath him, he apparently tried to throw himself on top of her to finish her off. He missed, however, and fell to his death. Meanwhile, the woman managed to swing over to a nearby balcony and was saved.

[And, the Argentine School Board is considering having this tragic episode included in the school curriculum to educate school children on how anger is bad for you. Meanwhile, elsewhere in a dingy basement room, a computer gaming freak is also considering having a new fatality programmed for the ‘Mortal Kombat’ game series based on this episode.]

Pierre Beaumard, a French factory worker suffering from various obsessional fears and an inability to relate to others, decided to join a therapy group. Mr. Beaumard was encouraged to sandwich himself between two matresses, and allow other group members to walk on him to "stamp out his complexes." After several minutes of this treatment, Beaumard was crushed to death.

[I’ am pretty sure all of his complexes got stamped out – along with him – the whole nine yards of it.]

Workmen in Rome, digging gravel for ballast, were instructed to dig from one central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes. They unearthed an ancient plaque inscribed in Latin, which turned out to be a sign intended for workman digging ballast for Roman ships. It instructed them to dig from a central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes.

[Talk about having to deal with the past……. That creeps me out….. Really!]

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

[You could go ahead and ask. That might help. Just make sure you don’t have anyone from a mental asylum within five miles of you while you seemingly talk to the screen waiting for IT to get ready.]

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

[That is just plain wicked circumstance…… I can’t imagine what exactly was under the carpet. On second thought, no never mind, I don’t want to imagine either!]

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

[The first person is a sardarji, a mallu or a blonde – plain simple. Period!]

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

[Oh, so that is why my mother always used to say, don’t leave your baggage unattended. Dude got fucked big time dint he?] 

At a sad good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

[Bastard!!! I always knew our manager was a sadist dumb fuck.]

My mom's friend is a teacher at a nearby high school. Well, one day, she assigned her class a paper on World War 2. The day it was due, one boy came in empty handed. The teacher asked him why. He simply replied, "I went to every library I could find, but I found NOTHING on World War 2. I found a lot of books on World War 11, though."

[Something about this instance is so warm and innocent. It kinda reminds me of the times when I could not understand the difference between the Roman numerals and the conventional numbers system.]

In one of my high school classes we were going to have a mock trial. The teacher asked who wanted what roles. My friend raised her hand and said, "I'll be the prostituting attorney!"

[ Sure, and do you charge by the hour or the minute or by the scope of services you offer ma’am?]

Once while riding around Myrtle Beach with my parents, I saw a sign that read "Topless Bar." My sister and I, both pre-adolescents, wondered how did the bar-goers keep from getting wet when it rains. The thought occupied my mind for years until someone finally told me what a topless bar was!

[I’ m somehow pretty sure she works in one right now. I can’t explain it, but I just do know. In which case, I need to smoke out her place of work and visit sometime. Maybe I could get a few extra minutes for being cute when I tell her this story?]

One day I was talking to my brother about a girl I know named Heather. I was telling him that I thought that she was cheating on her boyfriend and pregnant with the other guy's child. My brother got this very surprised look on his face and said, "Does Heather know?"

[No you dumb fuck!! Heather does not know. Like doh!??.... Are you for real??]

That cracks me up.....

Real Crimes Committed By Dumb Criminals:

Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a Plexiglas window...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.

[Next time, try a battering ram or wear a heavy duty helmet for your head ya schmuck!!]

When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid..."

[Agreed]

A man was arrested for stealing a car. When he was taken to court for his arraignment the judge asked, how do you plead? Instead of saying guilty or not guilty the man said: "Before we go any further, judge, let me explain why I stole the car." The judge ruled in record time.

[Oh, for Christ sake!! The guy is atleast trying to be honest about the theft! How is someone going to believe in the virtues of honesty if it’s gonna pack’em off to jail?]

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody moves!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

[Congratulations!! For someone who drives such a hard bargain, you would have made a fantastic sales rep. Only, just don’t go about killing people trying to sell them stuff.]

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

[I think I have seen one of those in a TV program for funny fucked up robberies. Like I mentioned, earlier – maybe you should try using a detonator bomb next time?]

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

[Mate! You got the whole idea of identification wrong. Is this where the idiom – Straight from the horse’s mouth – applies?  :Sniff: Wren and Martin would be proud!]

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

[Oh, you sir are playing a dangerous game. I LOVE IT!!!!]

Oakland, California: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up.

[Don’t understand what the fuck the guy was doing trying to play possum for TWO hours!?? Narcissistic jackass! I’m sure he feels nice about being arrested at the end of it.]

Medford, Oregon: A 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."

[Sure, and if your dad had probably not busted his nuts because he forgot the rubber as a result of getting impossibly drunk before porking your mother, YOU probably would’nt have happened either. Best thing, really.]

Some criminals are not too bright and here's one to prove that: (at the time of booking)
Officer: What is your D.O.B.?
Criminal: What's a D.O.B., man?
Officer: When's your birthday?
Criminal: May 5th
Officer: What year?
Criminal: Every year, man.

[ROFL!!! That is just plain humorous.]

Ionia, Michigan: When two service station attendants refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

[I’m pretty sure that is not what the local police department meant when they tell you that they are your best friends. But, you probably know that by now!]

And the ACE in the Hole :   

Dude, how much more retarded can you get????

There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous folk climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down. Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it. Public Service employees later pieced the rest of the story together... The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower. Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines, like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet. When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced to his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower. The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top of the tower.

[I can’t imagine the AWESOMENESS of this whole scenario. Dude does the unthinkable – gets upset over a fight, climbs a fucking electric transmission pole to get some air, takes BEER with him [WoW!! Badass maan! REAL Badass!], has the BALLS to actually take a leak from 60 feet above AND do it on top of a fucking electric pole, gets BLOWN big time [Must have been nothing like how his girlfriend blew his load off], gets roasted and found with very ugly looking privates AND leaves a single beer on top of the tower like a coup ’de grace. Too bad he totally scarred his sweet girlfriend over a damn fight. How do I know she was sweet?? Any guy who’s gonna do shit like losing his balls on top of a power line had a very adorable girlfriend. All I can say is Rest In Peace. You’re the fucking king of Aces!] 

Kutti

XOXOXO