The Dark Shadow Rises

No, I'm not making a new movie on the lines of the new batman movie. Yes, you read the title right.

Two weeks after reading a sick news article on how a pea brained orangutan of a PhD student walked into a midnight screening of 'The Dark Knight Rises' and mercilessly opened fire with a SMG (Shit), an 12 guage Shotgum (Fuck), two .40 caliber handguns (Are you fucking kidding me??) and then got arrested while walking out to the parking lot with a suave gait, I found myself in the exact same setting where the murdered ghosts of those unfortunate people probably will haunt for eternity.

Let's start from the beginning - my friend from school  was paying me a visit  and having not seen each other for almost 5 freaking years, we realized that the best thing to do would be to go out for lunch and then catch a movie before doing some express shopping (Yes, my friend was a guy!).
After wolfing down a lunch that consisted of flavored rice cooked with chicken and spices (Biryani), mouth watering chicken legs roasted over a spit fire and a glass of lassi, we decided on a whim that the best thing to do was to catch the awesomeness that was the latest installment of Mr.Nolan's Batman trilogy. Having secured tickets for two at 300 bucks, we patiently waited at the screening while the support staff went thru their usual drill of making sure those pesky dumps of litter that wind up during the course of the previous screening were obliterated. Just as we were excitedly discussing how awesome it was to see this flick on the big screen - a germ of a very disturbing thought - surfaced in my head.

Now, my peeps would realize that I'm not entirely very happy or trusty about the world and that you would'nt find a better cynic than me even if you'd beat a half baked schizophrenic to death with a underwear while threatening him to go cynical (in case he already a'int). So, imagine my profound surprise when, no sooner the thought occurred my instinct prompted me to slowly and keenly observe each and every one of  the crowd that had turned up to watch the movie. What did I see?? A couple of teenagers raving about if BATS would die in this movie, two stoned dudes absolutely not knowing shit about where they were, a couple of chicks(cuties!!), a guy with his girlfriend(or wife - I'm guessing girlfriend because no wifey would be wearing a micro skirt, sleeveless top, 25inch heels and an insane push-up bra that made every single guy oogle), two expat couples who were indulging in PDA(not the vulgar type) and a riff raff of the normal crowd you'd see at the movies. Threat level - ZERO. That is good.

Killer?? WHO?? ME!???

So, then the movie continued peacefully and it was awesome!! But, somewhere during those 3 hours of absolute batshit insane action, there were parts of my brain that just would not block out the Colorado shooting incident. And, since I'm writing this down on my virtual space I will go ahead and say that to find yourself looking at the wrong end of the gun when you literaaly hope to have a good time with your friends and family in a theater is just wrong. It's bad enough that life can be pretty much snuffed out any minute, but having to kick the bucket because one fucked up motherfucker lost his shit is just way too sadistic even for Satan. I mean, how many of those people who lost their lives that night in that theater would have actually imagined that these would be their last few minutes and that a bloody theater would be their tomb?

It's almost like my brain played out a visual - I was sitting right in the last row - I could imagine a crazy guy, all dressed up, getting up in the middle of the fight sequences and pulling out a sick SMG and then spraying the hall with a shower of molten lead all the while screaming 'Everything burns Ala Joker' while the poor guys in the front have no idea if its just the movie sound effects (that incidentally would have a couple of nerd fans instantly jerking off at the almost real effects). Pardon my sexism there, but can you imagine it? Can you imagine how it would have been like for that guy who was out on a date trying to neck his girlfriend only to find out she has a bullet sized hole at the wrong end of her body? Can you imagine the terror of the newly wed couple who realized that their dream home will never be theirs? Can you imagine the horror of the group of students who realized that this is where they will die and not on the trauma division of a hospital having O.D.'ed on whatever it was they would have been shooting? Can you imagine the terror of the guy who became a dad 2 days ago when he realized that his new born will only get to see him in photos and live an entire life of being called bastard? Can you feel the pain of the woman who having spent a shitty week at work realized that she will never live to see the day her boyfriend proposes to her? or the pain of that lady with babies at home who depend on her to pull them thru their turbulent teens?

Can you feel the pain and horror of the people who dragged and stampeded over one another while making a mad rush for the exit - thus effectively blocking it - and realizing that they are truly and severely fucked? And all this for what? It's not like that scene in the Inglorious Basterds - where shooting a room full of Nazi motherfuckers would have meant peace to an entire world.(Wait, have the cops looked into this angle? The guy could have very well been inspired from this scene looking at the damage he caused. Someone call 911!!). All this, just because one psychotic idiot could not get his shit together. The fact that he was a Ph.D candidate is even more astoundingly absurd. What was he after? Fame? A life of anal probing in a maximum security prison? Death by electricity? WHAT??

Was he proving a point to the society by insinuating that the society was to blame for him being jobless? Or was it because he had a girl who'd refuse to blow him? Or was it because he was a cold blooded freak who just caused pain for the sake of pain - like the Joker in the last batman movie? And, someone please tell me - how the fuck did he get all that fire power into a goddamn theater in the US of Fucking A!!??.... How?? I could'nt steal a plastic water gun through security at a mall in India. Questions. Questions. And no clear answers yet. Listen, just do me a favor - bind a couple of dynamite sticks to this guy and blow his ass up 3000 miles away from anywhere.

There really is nothing much to do. Because no matter how much security you keep in place, people who want to kill - will find new ways to kill. The only thing it does to the rest of us is make us trust the world a lot less and fear our lives a little more. As if the amount of fear in today's society was not enough already. I'm not an expert at providing solutions to improve homeland security but I will say this much :

When you have a shooting on that scale and the government you pay to elect decides to ban costumes at movie theaters in the future. GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Dedicated to everyone who lost their lives in the Colorado Shooting Incident and to the millions of others who's lives are a little more sadder and empty as a fallout. You guys are free birds now - enjoy your freedom - its the rest of us who'll be scarred and none the better for it.

R.I.P.

Didn't see that coming. Did'cha?

Something Random, Something Nice - Whatt'e S'prise!

This past weekend was fucking awesome!... :D

Alright, ya filthy Attention monger - Cheer up before I open a can of whoop ass on ye!

Literally one of the best weekends ever since I moved into this Godforsaken village I call home. I mean, seriously; when the only idea of entertainment in a city is to sit thru an entire day in the cinemas only to top it off with a couple of potent drinks that'd put a drunken monkey to shame, the idea of having a couple of your friends crash one of your boring weekends just to watch that priceless reaction on your face is actually pretty nice!

And, that is precisely what happened to me! Imagine traveling thru rail, bus and a goddamn bullock cart thru 1000 Kms and two states, just to meet up with a person as severely retarded as me [Trust me here, if I'd have a brain analysis done, I could easily apply for disability quota] it does say something. And all this, for the simple reason that when I spoke to; let's call him 'M' and told him that life is so pathetic that hanging myself into oblivion seems so much more exciting. Given the fact that it came out of my mouth - it drove a couple of perfectly awesome guys - fucking nuts.... Ooops!! Guess, having a pal like me makes you do those kinda cute stuff eh?....

So imagine my profound surprise on the level of : " Wha'tha fuck you guys doing a 1000 miles away from home on an early saturday morning!!!?", followed by "You guys came down all the way just to cheer ME up!?.... Fuck!! You guys are fucking insane!!!!"... Yeah, you get the idea....

The weekend itself was awesome. Lots of sight seeing in a city considered to be rich in history, gastronomical adventurism, a crazy shopping hunt for some particular topi[skull cap], wolfing down sinful kebabs and mint based rotis[flattened bread; baked like pancakes], a nightcap under the bright moon and stars, complete with some 'Bud'weizer therapy and seeing who can identify the most number of constellations.....Yes. It was a weekend spent and spent well!

Thank God for friends who spring these small little things on you that makes you smile. I'm glad I do have the handful of friends who genuinely care enough about me, to abuse the shit outta me every time I even think about life being meaningless...:)

So? What's the best thing your friends have done for you lately?..:)

Alone but not Lonely........ Right?..

Loneliness is a crazy and a retarded feeling..... More strange than either crazy or retarded. And, that is what makes it all the more difficult to ignore..... When you have a feeling, that follows you like a silent butler, shadowing everything you do, like someone; or something slowly chocking you and dragging you deep into depths you don't want to perceive, yet never making you feel fatally endangered - how do you learn to ignore that? Or even worse, cope and get on through as if nothing's amiss.......

It's not that loneliness is such a bad thing. Sometimes, the best days in my life have been when I have had a crushing sense of loneliness that somehow makes me pensive (Well, pensive 'er') and puts me at the risk of spitting out venom like this.... But anyhow, what I'm saying is that loneliness at the worst makes your day very very quiet.... And it is funny how through the stress of a 'normal' working day, people just wish and hope for peace and quiet and when that moment arrives, freak out like the world is on a really vile acid trip....

Loners really have no problem being alone. Really. But, the rhetoric question is - does being alone pave the way to loneliness? Or does being lonely mean that you are alone?.... Why does the society place so much importance on being engaged even at the cost of incompatibility? Is it because the society has the best interest of the individual? If the society cared so much about matters of the mind and psyche to prevent people from feeling lonely, then why is that people seeking professional help for matters of the mind and psyche ridiculed and looked upon as queer?..... And, what is that very fine line that separates sanity from insanity - from being a loner to being lonely.....?

The need to be with someone is a basic human emotion and because there is so much of said and unsaid bullshit in this world, that sometimes being in a relationship itself would cause the maximum heartburn. Too much expectations, too little trust, too much male chauvinism, too little femininity, too long or too short, whatever....... Sometimes it looks swell to stay a loner. But, just because someone is a loner, does not mean that they are lonely. Loneliness is more a matter of the mind than of the heart. It is more a matter or reacting to conditioned societal stimuli than a matter of crippling depression, it is more a matter or being proud of who you are; rather than looking up to the society for validation.

So by all means, be a loner. Fall in love with yourself, explore yourself, enjoy your own company and look at life from your perspective until you are happy to just be. For, if you do not realize your own worth and do not enjoy your own company; then how do you expect someone else to enjoy it for you? Do not let the society decide whom and when to see and what to call it..... For, the more you understand yourself, the better someone else will understand you. After all, a relationship is about two people - each with his own warped opinions on life that the other should only strive to accept and tolerate and never change.

Be happy to be alone. Be alone to be happy.

[But, don't let me decide for you!]

I Hate Kids, like I love'em......

Children are so overrated.

There is an unspoken taboo in our society where if you admit that having kids wasn’t quite what you thought it would be and that if you could do it all over again that you would have chosen NOT to have kids, that you are a monster, an evil, despicable monster.

The truth is a large percentage of parents HATE being parents (DIBS on how many parents are secretly banging their heads on their monitors, right now). They will never say it out loud and they can’t even admit that to themselves because “only an selfish, evil demon” would come to that conclusion, they think.

For every precious moment where the little brat does something special, there are 1,000 moments where they drive you crazy.

They literally tear your life upside down. Marriage, your social life, the list goes on and on and on.
Oh yeah, the worst part is yet to come – the teenage years.

The reason people have children is because of this unwritten societal norm where the standard is to get married and immediately begin to produce offspring like a vending machine on a cocaine trip; because “that’s the thing to do”.

I think most people end up having kids because 1) They’re too stupid to know how to use birth control properly 2) There is a severe shortage of electricity in the night and there is nothing for a couple to do except maybe ‘Do it’ and/or 3) They have an idealistic, completely unrealistic vision of what parenthood entails.

It's gonna be like this, only a LOT more terrible....

People imagine dressing their daughter in pretty clothes, or playing catch with their son. They don’t think about being awoken at 2 a.m. by a sick, screaming kid who just threw up all over the bed, and who doesn’t give a fuck that you have to get up for work in four hours. They don’t think about the mortgage company threatening to foreclose, or the electricity being shut off, because the husband can’t pay all the bills on one income.

More people should think about these things, and fewer people should be having children. Parenthood should be left to those few couples who are willing to take the good with the bad along with a hefty bank balance that ensures the poor baby does not have to end up facing the ultimate humiliation of the father looking dead into his/her eyes sixteen years from the day they were born and being told: “I wish I had wasted you in the bathroom, you, you sick fuck!!”.

Seriously, the way I see it people just do not understand the working and the finer nuances of being a family in a society that has continuously been flipping you the bird since the day you are born. Most of the people I know have married – not because they were ready to – but because they could not handle the emotional distress of having to give the neighbor’s a detailed account as to why their upset dad climbed up the chimney wearing only a diaper and screaming “Dude, get married!!! NOW!!”  I know a lot of guys who tie the knot precisely because they are manipulative emotionally and who just don’t have the kind of balls required to stand up and give a glowing account of why it would be so terrible to get married at that time and how much the poor ‘perfect match’ is going to suffer because of being forced into a marriage. I mean, the world is already over-populated with every imaginable abomination Satan ever imagined. So, it’s not like the human race is threatened to extinction and only your marriage and spawn can save it.

There is a problem with the society we live in. Yes, by ‘we’; I meant all of us. The Indian society is a unique and exquisite example of something so balls-shiveringly complex that it has been flipping the bird at anyone so minutely unfortunate to being a part of it. Not to poke holes into the very society that is fully responsible for churning out another maniac cynic (that would be me, D’oh…..) but in a way you look at it, the whole setup looks diabolical. On one hand, is the temptation to sin to such an extent that the Devil himself would wish for a vacation and on the other hand is the perverted need to keep up a charming face that the society can at least bear with. 

By the time you reach your late 20’s or 30’s or whenever it is that you wish to marry (Why would you want to do that?) you have been completely mind fucked by the duality of existence and ass wiping (If you’re working in a corporate), that marriage and a life time permit to ‘hot’ sex looks like something that you just need to bite into. Never mind that the guy has a huge loan on the loan he took to buy a car because his huge house taken on a loan felt like the Eden Garden Cricket ground. Holy shit, I never thought I’d live to write a sentence like that, but anyway; you get the idea?

Marriage and kids are not a poor man’s game. Buying stuff and ensuring to provide 2 square meals a day while your credit reliability slowly sinks deeper into a black hole; is not love. You are just providing for your family, if you cannot even do that comfortably; you have no business of even marrying in the first place. And, in an economy like India, that is saying a lot. So, coming back to the point of kids – there is a rule that you need to know – if you have spent half of your working years desperately trying to make ends meet while making it look like you are comfortably numb in the society, you know for sure that all those jealous people out there are already rubbing their hands and wetting themselves in anticipation of the colossal fuck-up that you are going to make of your life – all for the simple reason that you let somebody else decide when you would need a warm bed. And let’s all face it. Once the first step is done, the rest of the way is a clusterfuck of carnal needs and 2 minutes of pleasure, because you know; Oh Come on! – Which is gonna last for at least the next 25 years of your life? Go ahead; take a moment to let that sink in while I wait for you….

Seriously, It looks a lot better this way....

And all through those 25 years you are going to crib and curse and swear (and if you are lucky; choke everyone responsible) about how no one told you this was so tough. Oh and while you live the rest of your life a walking, farting, swearing imbecile, the kid that you decided to go in for is freaking out at the utter insanity of life, slowly turning into everything you don’t want him/her to be. Then one fine day, those kids will have kids of their own who will in turn flip a couple of more birds at everything around them. Yep, it’s a vicious cycle….

Damn!! And you thought programming that pesky check so your client can go and whack off in sheer satisfaction was tough? 

Who the Fuck' am I?!?

So, I was watching this video on YouTube (The great Indian Wedding). This video is about some bride who is a perfectionist and about why she rejected 1000 grooms before she decided that one guy is a right one. But this post is not about her (besides the point that I think she is one of those confused Indian girls who couldn’t differentiate between strength and arrogance). But, one point she talked about made me think how that notion is so stupid. She says, and these are her words, ” Career defines me completely, My identity in todays world is because of what I am.” A lot of people wrongly define their identity as their career. I can totally relate to it, because it's one of the most fucked up notions people stubbornly live by here. Don't believe me? Okay, but when it happens to you, I will be right here with a disgusting scowl that says "Ha! Told'cha so!!".
 
Go and attend a family function. This is why I never socialize with relatives. The first and second questions almost all the guests ask you are “What are you doing now” and “How much do you earn”. What the effing fuck do you mean what am I doing now ? Don’cha see? I am enjoying my paneer dhokla, ya schmuck!. Oh, do you mean how I make money ? You don’t know how much now I hate question. I don’t even understand why these folks are so curious about how I make money. Why do they care? I most likely will never be seeing their sorry faces unless another family function comes along. So I later on learned not to talk about my job at all! (Believe me, try explaining to a bunch of ignorant fucks who are already drooling over the cash wad you pull in at the end of the month, about Clinical Research). Let me rephrase your question and answer that. I enjoy my life and if you would be kindly obliging, I wish to get done with your stoooopid question and enjoy my life some more. That’s what I did and that’s what I am doing now and that’s what I would do for the rest of my life. I started talking about how I enjoy my life and sometimes explaining why their life sucks! Sure, I’ve pissed them off - precisely my point!  

From a very  early age we are trained to answer questions about ourselves to associate their career with identity. Questions like “what do you want to become when you grow up” make every child get into that same disguising loop of thought that career is the one identity they should be focusing on!

I love to travel. I love music. I love converting a plain ass piece of paper into a tangled mass of psychedelic colors. I love playing on my guitar. I love to read and maybe, write. None of them have been my careers (but surely had an impact on how I, see and do things). So, if somebody is interested in knowing about me, should'nt they be asking “Who are you” “What do you like”? Nope. They ask me what do I do! What The Fuck do you mean what do I do? I've changed like 25 jobs, so on that definition, I changed my identity 25 times in my life .. I have been a waiter, I have been a bar-tender, a Disc Jokey, a event manager, a tele-sales representative, a junkie (Wait....... What!?? Never mind that). None of them could be my identity (except, maybe the junkie part. I' am still figuring that out). Sure, I made my money from them depending on how desperately I wanted to impress that cute chick with fake boobs. And sometimes I did nothing. So, does that mean I don’t have an identity ? Now, that I am making money (even if it's pathetic), you suddenly became interested in who I am.

I think this is why home-makers get so little value. People who make less money get so little value. If you are running a family means you have skills. If you do garbage, that doesn’t mean its your identity. Probably you can sing, or do graffiti, or jerk off for 10 straight days while listening to nu-metal. I dont know what drives you... But, there lies your identity. I' am not saying that just because I sit in a cold ass cubicle all day and you pick garbage for a living, you suddenly need to be interested in me. No. What I do want to say is, you could be the best painter around for miles and yet you may still end up picking garbage for a living (Yeah, seriously this garbage thing is kinda getting creepy) and yet it is only a matter of time and effort before people start seeing through a week's garbage before they finally realize what you really are. Sometimes you have to walk a few miles in the cold to reach a zone where people know you for what you are worth. But it’s there. You can find it, or you can make it. And when you find it, or make it, or break it.... I only pray that you be yourself; not just your job.

Jaded?

There is a certain irony to early love being naive, foolish and instantaneous. There is also a great deal of good reason  in our parents wanting us to settle down early with the right person, its easier to give your heart away when you've haven't spent a long time collecting life experiences and along with it, emotional baggage.

When I look around me, at the friends I have and the environment I live in, and the one common repetitive theme is that everyone is so jaded, so scarred by some past life experiences that they're holding on tight, to something inside, to themselves lest they let go, that they're passing up on these fantastic people and options that they're being granted.

What happened to the girl I wrote about a few blog posts ago, you may ask. I wrote an exclusive email a few days ago, closing that chapter. She went away and kept me sufficiently 'hooked' so that I'd feel adequately special, but not committed. Regular sms and late nights spent driving the server maintenance guy at Google Talk crazy, denoted interest, but not a promise. I closed that loop recently - I cant be the one who holds on because I cant let go. Sure, I've been pretty knocked up and flattened in my life that justifies me holding on to memories that haunt me, or make me pensive, or make me look like a dumb fuck or all of it, but that did not mean that I was okay with being played around like a mouse.

I met someone else who unexpectedly took my breath away, for a few days before she put a screeching halt to even getting to know each other because she's had a bad past experience. I'm a fantastic guy(retarded, but fantastic), she said - exactly the kind she wants to be seen with(I should have run the day she said that - in the opposite direction). BUT she's too scarred, too afraid to give her heart away again.

I'm SO tired of being exactly the kind of sweet guy, every girl wants, or that fantastic guy that EVERYONE lets get away. I'm tired of hearing the 'It's not you, its me' story. I'm tired of meeting insecure girls who have no fucking clue about what they are going through. I'm tired of sharing myself, and tired of learning to get over moments.

Do we all do this I wonder? Do we let go of things sitting right under our noses? When I think of all the women I've turned down for one reason or the other, I wonder how unhappy I would have truly been had I ended up saying yes to any of them.. I suspect not very. Guess I was just chasing a fairy tale, wanting to fill in a missing space, wanting to get into someone's pants, or add another note to the rhythm.. think what I'm looking for may not exist. So let me restate, and re-evaluate and see if its asking for too much.

A WOMAN [not a HOT girl] who is ambitious and passionate about life and other things, who will love me and my flaws as I will hers, a woman who can be a girl and ride rollercoasters with me and be a child with me, a woman who will know what to do when I'm falling apart to pieces and in whose silent presence (Don't fuss too much when I'm upset - it's a freaking phase and it'll pass) I feel encouraged and comforted in. A woman who is respected by others and who respects others.. A woman who can talk about life and love and the economy and business, someone I will look upto. A woman with a bucket list, a woman who has seen a lot of guys to rejoice and respect a good catch, a woman with love to give and a life to share.

Too much?......... Fuck!....... Please, just pass me my needle...

Kutti.

Anyone Else but You........

The bubble has finally burst. That tiny, joyous and warm bubble that was free to move about being a beautiful gift has finally gone where all the bubbles that end up making you feel good about yourself ultimately go. Vaporized, into space. This blog is an attempt to put down in words how much that bubble meant and why it always ends up this way. Well, Almost.

The 21st century and well past the first decade, and yet, people have problems understanding and respecting the individuals that each and everyone of us are. Is it something we never learn? Why, look at you - yes, YOU - despite of the fact that after having lived so many more years than I have, dont you have that someone you just cannot seem to figure out right, dont you have that someone that no matter what you try to do, always gets you completely wrong? We all do I suppose. That is the beauty of it. Without having these hiccups to shake us out of our mundane existence,  living would just cease to amaze. And, the day you lose your amazement of life, is the day you ought to go hang yourself from the nearest tree.

So why is it that, the people you totally let in on your life and make an effort to know and understand and respect totally get you wrong?. Being taken for granted at times is okay. I 'am talking about the times when they totally believe that you go about doing things you would never even imagine doing. Especially, to people you care for in a sublime way. Why? And, this idiosyncrasy of assuming that two people are in a relationship just because they get along really well is such a lame thing. I mean, if every guy who talks to every girl has to put up with the tag of being 'a couple'; there is then no room for a  nurturing friendship. On the other hand, we do have friends of the opposite gender that totally get along well with us and sometimes even better than the person we may currently be seeing. So that means, friendship can exist in peace without too much importance being driven to the relationship side. And, yet sometimes things fall apart so terribly, its crazy.

There is a saying in English - Don't trust ANYBOBY. I have lived my life by that rule and it works out fine for me. Because, when people see that you are pretty serious about not trusting them initially, they do make an effort to understand where that comes from. We all have our reasons to be the way we are, who's to say that our chosen paths are not meant to be? No one owns the code book of morality, you know? And, when people make an effort to be in your life, you learn to respect the fact that they are reaching out and it would be totally obnoxious to ignore and insult their feelings and efforts. It has always been that way and believe me, it gives you some very good friends for life.

Best Friends?.. Really?.. Who am I kidding??

But sometimes, there comes a girl who'll just waltz into your life and make you feel totally blank. It's like looking into a new mirror and everything about you that you thought did not matter, suddenly becomes something of a sharper, brighter and a more clear image. And, let's face it. Who does'nt like a clear image? This girl - I will call her 'Z' - was such a fresh breathe of life! All the innocence, the sweetness and the joy that she is. Was a great feeling! So much so that in a matter of years altogether, I think I did think of her as some sort of a mirror image for my feminine side. It was good. The kind of warm, fuzzy feeling that only talking to her would do [at least initially] and there was a time when we even wondered what to call it, but realized that being friends and being able to be totally free to communicate without back biting each other would suit us more effectively. And so it was.

Until, the bubble burst from too much rumor and gossips. It's kind of sad, not for the fact that gossips had gotten the better of Z, but because, more so, Z goes about thinking that I' am the very person fueling these rumors. You know, that totally burst everything nice I had done or felt for her. Let's admit that it has been only 2 months since I knew her, which technically speaking, I hardly knew her enough to be upset at all. But, going to the extreme end of the spectrum to say that I create the gossip to gain some leverage out of her name is an insult to the kind of mad motherfucker that I 'am. I mean, agreed, I 'am a motherfucker. But, I 'am a very loyal and sensitive SOB. To bitched about to somebody else makes me look like a complete jackass.

Gotta get this as a tattoo. On my Forehead.

In a way, you know, I think the responsibility is mine. That is the thing about responsibility. It a'int atomic, it a'int divisible. You either have it or you don't. So yeah, if things did end this way, its my responsibility that I let it be this way. You know, I should have never believed Z when she told me - you are amazing. I should have never believed Z when she told me - Women would murder for a guy like you. I should have never believed Z when she told me all of the other stuff that made me feel like someone else because, the way she was seeing me was totally a stark contrast to the idea and belief I had about myself. Although, I did mention somewhere to her that I do not want to be anything more than a friend provided you are okay with it, I still realize that somewhere, I did not do a good job of communicating enough about it. And, that leaves a beautiful girl hurt because, the 'Joker' in me totally had a anger attack and was left deeply hurt by the accusation that I was willingly and deliberately doing all I can to spoil Z's image when I would have gladly jumped 15 stories to save her from a fall and expect only an autograph on my severely plaster-cast body in return.

Its easier to blame than just see things for what they are.

Sigh. This girl - Z, was someone beautiful with her own warped sense of things. I found that interesting and as mysterious as her persona was. A little innocent, a little kiddish, a little sweet, a little bitter, a little manipulative, a little cute, a fantastic prankster and a creative genius. You dont find many people like that. And, having them around in your life itself is a huge thing to happen to your sorry ass that has only seen people shrivel up and die from OD's and everything else stupid. It was such a pleasure knowing someone as genuine as her. So much so that, I did give her a complete free steering to my psyche in a matter of months. All I wanted in return was respect and the fact that she would not bitch about me behind my back and approach me if there was anything from my end that freaked her out.

I' am usually a very nice guy, until something like this happens inside my head.

She did'nt. I understand that she must have been upset too. But, in 2 months if she never realized how much it would hurt me, she probably never knew me at all. Like I said, I admit it was entirely my responsibility. But I do want Z to know that she was probably the only person, who ever was and who ever has gotten to know so much about me in a matter of a very short time. And that she will probably be the one person that I totally care for and wish happiness for as much as I do to any body else, in 2 months of knowing each other. There is no way anything will change that about the way I feel for you dear. I just expected you to stand up for the moment and make yourself counted for. You probably were upset, that is alright. But, still no reason to go about making me feel like an delusional sick whack. That REALLY hurts.

Sometimes, even the best of pals hurt each other.

Don't hold anything against you. Like I said, If you are worried about being stalked, either by me or by someone else, because of me; you can allay those fears aside. The needful have been done. I would never do anything that would make you go crazy and SMS 6 part messages at 2 am in the night. Have no fear. You are forgiven. And I hope, you'll learn to forgive me for being a psionic nuke - up in the head.

I really do mean to let you know that sometimes, despite our best efforts; SHIT HAPPENS.

Because, to me, no matter how much this small misunderstanding costs, you will always be that one person, that little sweet kid, that fuzzy fur ball who was a total rock-a-feller buddy. 




I don't see what anyone else can see in anyone else but you........

Always live by the rule - don't trust anybody sooner than you should.