Jaded?

There is a certain irony to early love being naive, foolish and instantaneous. There is also a great deal of good reason  in our parents wanting us to settle down early with the right person, its easier to give your heart away when you've haven't spent a long time collecting life experiences and along with it, emotional baggage.

When I look around me, at the friends I have and the environment I live in, and the one common repetitive theme is that everyone is so jaded, so scarred by some past life experiences that they're holding on tight, to something inside, to themselves lest they let go, that they're passing up on these fantastic people and options that they're being granted.

What happened to the girl I wrote about a few blog posts ago, you may ask. I wrote an exclusive email a few days ago, closing that chapter. She went away and kept me sufficiently 'hooked' so that I'd feel adequately special, but not committed. Regular sms and late nights spent driving the server maintenance guy at Google Talk crazy, denoted interest, but not a promise. I closed that loop recently - I cant be the one who holds on because I cant let go. Sure, I've been pretty knocked up and flattened in my life that justifies me holding on to memories that haunt me, or make me pensive, or make me look like a dumb fuck or all of it, but that did not mean that I was okay with being played around like a mouse.

I met someone else who unexpectedly took my breath away, for a few days before she put a screeching halt to even getting to know each other because she's had a bad past experience. I'm a fantastic guy(retarded, but fantastic), she said - exactly the kind she wants to be seen with(I should have run the day she said that - in the opposite direction). BUT she's too scarred, too afraid to give her heart away again.

I'm SO tired of being exactly the kind of sweet guy, every girl wants, or that fantastic guy that EVERYONE lets get away. I'm tired of hearing the 'It's not you, its me' story. I'm tired of meeting insecure girls who have no fucking clue about what they are going through. I'm tired of sharing myself, and tired of learning to get over moments.

Do we all do this I wonder? Do we let go of things sitting right under our noses? When I think of all the women I've turned down for one reason or the other, I wonder how unhappy I would have truly been had I ended up saying yes to any of them.. I suspect not very. Guess I was just chasing a fairy tale, wanting to fill in a missing space, wanting to get into someone's pants, or add another note to the rhythm.. think what I'm looking for may not exist. So let me restate, and re-evaluate and see if its asking for too much.

A WOMAN [not a HOT girl] who is ambitious and passionate about life and other things, who will love me and my flaws as I will hers, a woman who can be a girl and ride rollercoasters with me and be a child with me, a woman who will know what to do when I'm falling apart to pieces and in whose silent presence (Don't fuss too much when I'm upset - it's a freaking phase and it'll pass) I feel encouraged and comforted in. A woman who is respected by others and who respects others.. A woman who can talk about life and love and the economy and business, someone I will look upto. A woman with a bucket list, a woman who has seen a lot of guys to rejoice and respect a good catch, a woman with love to give and a life to share.

Too much?......... Fuck!....... Please, just pass me my needle...

Kutti.