I Hate Kids, like I love'em......

Children are so overrated.

There is an unspoken taboo in our society where if you admit that having kids wasn’t quite what you thought it would be and that if you could do it all over again that you would have chosen NOT to have kids, that you are a monster, an evil, despicable monster.

The truth is a large percentage of parents HATE being parents (DIBS on how many parents are secretly banging their heads on their monitors, right now). They will never say it out loud and they can’t even admit that to themselves because “only an selfish, evil demon” would come to that conclusion, they think.

For every precious moment where the little brat does something special, there are 1,000 moments where they drive you crazy.

They literally tear your life upside down. Marriage, your social life, the list goes on and on and on.
Oh yeah, the worst part is yet to come – the teenage years.

The reason people have children is because of this unwritten societal norm where the standard is to get married and immediately begin to produce offspring like a vending machine on a cocaine trip; because “that’s the thing to do”.

I think most people end up having kids because 1) They’re too stupid to know how to use birth control properly 2) There is a severe shortage of electricity in the night and there is nothing for a couple to do except maybe ‘Do it’ and/or 3) They have an idealistic, completely unrealistic vision of what parenthood entails.

It's gonna be like this, only a LOT more terrible....

People imagine dressing their daughter in pretty clothes, or playing catch with their son. They don’t think about being awoken at 2 a.m. by a sick, screaming kid who just threw up all over the bed, and who doesn’t give a fuck that you have to get up for work in four hours. They don’t think about the mortgage company threatening to foreclose, or the electricity being shut off, because the husband can’t pay all the bills on one income.

More people should think about these things, and fewer people should be having children. Parenthood should be left to those few couples who are willing to take the good with the bad along with a hefty bank balance that ensures the poor baby does not have to end up facing the ultimate humiliation of the father looking dead into his/her eyes sixteen years from the day they were born and being told: “I wish I had wasted you in the bathroom, you, you sick fuck!!”.

Seriously, the way I see it people just do not understand the working and the finer nuances of being a family in a society that has continuously been flipping you the bird since the day you are born. Most of the people I know have married – not because they were ready to – but because they could not handle the emotional distress of having to give the neighbor’s a detailed account as to why their upset dad climbed up the chimney wearing only a diaper and screaming “Dude, get married!!! NOW!!”  I know a lot of guys who tie the knot precisely because they are manipulative emotionally and who just don’t have the kind of balls required to stand up and give a glowing account of why it would be so terrible to get married at that time and how much the poor ‘perfect match’ is going to suffer because of being forced into a marriage. I mean, the world is already over-populated with every imaginable abomination Satan ever imagined. So, it’s not like the human race is threatened to extinction and only your marriage and spawn can save it.

There is a problem with the society we live in. Yes, by ‘we’; I meant all of us. The Indian society is a unique and exquisite example of something so balls-shiveringly complex that it has been flipping the bird at anyone so minutely unfortunate to being a part of it. Not to poke holes into the very society that is fully responsible for churning out another maniac cynic (that would be me, D’oh…..) but in a way you look at it, the whole setup looks diabolical. On one hand, is the temptation to sin to such an extent that the Devil himself would wish for a vacation and on the other hand is the perverted need to keep up a charming face that the society can at least bear with. 

By the time you reach your late 20’s or 30’s or whenever it is that you wish to marry (Why would you want to do that?) you have been completely mind fucked by the duality of existence and ass wiping (If you’re working in a corporate), that marriage and a life time permit to ‘hot’ sex looks like something that you just need to bite into. Never mind that the guy has a huge loan on the loan he took to buy a car because his huge house taken on a loan felt like the Eden Garden Cricket ground. Holy shit, I never thought I’d live to write a sentence like that, but anyway; you get the idea?

Marriage and kids are not a poor man’s game. Buying stuff and ensuring to provide 2 square meals a day while your credit reliability slowly sinks deeper into a black hole; is not love. You are just providing for your family, if you cannot even do that comfortably; you have no business of even marrying in the first place. And, in an economy like India, that is saying a lot. So, coming back to the point of kids – there is a rule that you need to know – if you have spent half of your working years desperately trying to make ends meet while making it look like you are comfortably numb in the society, you know for sure that all those jealous people out there are already rubbing their hands and wetting themselves in anticipation of the colossal fuck-up that you are going to make of your life – all for the simple reason that you let somebody else decide when you would need a warm bed. And let’s all face it. Once the first step is done, the rest of the way is a clusterfuck of carnal needs and 2 minutes of pleasure, because you know; Oh Come on! – Which is gonna last for at least the next 25 years of your life? Go ahead; take a moment to let that sink in while I wait for you….

Seriously, It looks a lot better this way....

And all through those 25 years you are going to crib and curse and swear (and if you are lucky; choke everyone responsible) about how no one told you this was so tough. Oh and while you live the rest of your life a walking, farting, swearing imbecile, the kid that you decided to go in for is freaking out at the utter insanity of life, slowly turning into everything you don’t want him/her to be. Then one fine day, those kids will have kids of their own who will in turn flip a couple of more birds at everything around them. Yep, it’s a vicious cycle….

Damn!! And you thought programming that pesky check so your client can go and whack off in sheer satisfaction was tough?