Anyone Else but You........

The bubble has finally burst. That tiny, joyous and warm bubble that was free to move about being a beautiful gift has finally gone where all the bubbles that end up making you feel good about yourself ultimately go. Vaporized, into space. This blog is an attempt to put down in words how much that bubble meant and why it always ends up this way. Well, Almost.

The 21st century and well past the first decade, and yet, people have problems understanding and respecting the individuals that each and everyone of us are. Is it something we never learn? Why, look at you - yes, YOU - despite of the fact that after having lived so many more years than I have, dont you have that someone you just cannot seem to figure out right, dont you have that someone that no matter what you try to do, always gets you completely wrong? We all do I suppose. That is the beauty of it. Without having these hiccups to shake us out of our mundane existence,  living would just cease to amaze. And, the day you lose your amazement of life, is the day you ought to go hang yourself from the nearest tree.

So why is it that, the people you totally let in on your life and make an effort to know and understand and respect totally get you wrong?. Being taken for granted at times is okay. I 'am talking about the times when they totally believe that you go about doing things you would never even imagine doing. Especially, to people you care for in a sublime way. Why? And, this idiosyncrasy of assuming that two people are in a relationship just because they get along really well is such a lame thing. I mean, if every guy who talks to every girl has to put up with the tag of being 'a couple'; there is then no room for a  nurturing friendship. On the other hand, we do have friends of the opposite gender that totally get along well with us and sometimes even better than the person we may currently be seeing. So that means, friendship can exist in peace without too much importance being driven to the relationship side. And, yet sometimes things fall apart so terribly, its crazy.

There is a saying in English - Don't trust ANYBOBY. I have lived my life by that rule and it works out fine for me. Because, when people see that you are pretty serious about not trusting them initially, they do make an effort to understand where that comes from. We all have our reasons to be the way we are, who's to say that our chosen paths are not meant to be? No one owns the code book of morality, you know? And, when people make an effort to be in your life, you learn to respect the fact that they are reaching out and it would be totally obnoxious to ignore and insult their feelings and efforts. It has always been that way and believe me, it gives you some very good friends for life.

Best Friends?.. Really?.. Who am I kidding??

But sometimes, there comes a girl who'll just waltz into your life and make you feel totally blank. It's like looking into a new mirror and everything about you that you thought did not matter, suddenly becomes something of a sharper, brighter and a more clear image. And, let's face it. Who does'nt like a clear image? This girl - I will call her 'Z' - was such a fresh breathe of life! All the innocence, the sweetness and the joy that she is. Was a great feeling! So much so that in a matter of years altogether, I think I did think of her as some sort of a mirror image for my feminine side. It was good. The kind of warm, fuzzy feeling that only talking to her would do [at least initially] and there was a time when we even wondered what to call it, but realized that being friends and being able to be totally free to communicate without back biting each other would suit us more effectively. And so it was.

Until, the bubble burst from too much rumor and gossips. It's kind of sad, not for the fact that gossips had gotten the better of Z, but because, more so, Z goes about thinking that I' am the very person fueling these rumors. You know, that totally burst everything nice I had done or felt for her. Let's admit that it has been only 2 months since I knew her, which technically speaking, I hardly knew her enough to be upset at all. But, going to the extreme end of the spectrum to say that I create the gossip to gain some leverage out of her name is an insult to the kind of mad motherfucker that I 'am. I mean, agreed, I 'am a motherfucker. But, I 'am a very loyal and sensitive SOB. To bitched about to somebody else makes me look like a complete jackass.

Gotta get this as a tattoo. On my Forehead.

In a way, you know, I think the responsibility is mine. That is the thing about responsibility. It a'int atomic, it a'int divisible. You either have it or you don't. So yeah, if things did end this way, its my responsibility that I let it be this way. You know, I should have never believed Z when she told me - you are amazing. I should have never believed Z when she told me - Women would murder for a guy like you. I should have never believed Z when she told me all of the other stuff that made me feel like someone else because, the way she was seeing me was totally a stark contrast to the idea and belief I had about myself. Although, I did mention somewhere to her that I do not want to be anything more than a friend provided you are okay with it, I still realize that somewhere, I did not do a good job of communicating enough about it. And, that leaves a beautiful girl hurt because, the 'Joker' in me totally had a anger attack and was left deeply hurt by the accusation that I was willingly and deliberately doing all I can to spoil Z's image when I would have gladly jumped 15 stories to save her from a fall and expect only an autograph on my severely plaster-cast body in return.

Its easier to blame than just see things for what they are.

Sigh. This girl - Z, was someone beautiful with her own warped sense of things. I found that interesting and as mysterious as her persona was. A little innocent, a little kiddish, a little sweet, a little bitter, a little manipulative, a little cute, a fantastic prankster and a creative genius. You dont find many people like that. And, having them around in your life itself is a huge thing to happen to your sorry ass that has only seen people shrivel up and die from OD's and everything else stupid. It was such a pleasure knowing someone as genuine as her. So much so that, I did give her a complete free steering to my psyche in a matter of months. All I wanted in return was respect and the fact that she would not bitch about me behind my back and approach me if there was anything from my end that freaked her out.

I' am usually a very nice guy, until something like this happens inside my head.

She did'nt. I understand that she must have been upset too. But, in 2 months if she never realized how much it would hurt me, she probably never knew me at all. Like I said, I admit it was entirely my responsibility. But I do want Z to know that she was probably the only person, who ever was and who ever has gotten to know so much about me in a matter of a very short time. And that she will probably be the one person that I totally care for and wish happiness for as much as I do to any body else, in 2 months of knowing each other. There is no way anything will change that about the way I feel for you dear. I just expected you to stand up for the moment and make yourself counted for. You probably were upset, that is alright. But, still no reason to go about making me feel like an delusional sick whack. That REALLY hurts.

Sometimes, even the best of pals hurt each other.

Don't hold anything against you. Like I said, If you are worried about being stalked, either by me or by someone else, because of me; you can allay those fears aside. The needful have been done. I would never do anything that would make you go crazy and SMS 6 part messages at 2 am in the night. Have no fear. You are forgiven. And I hope, you'll learn to forgive me for being a psionic nuke - up in the head.

I really do mean to let you know that sometimes, despite our best efforts; SHIT HAPPENS.

Because, to me, no matter how much this small misunderstanding costs, you will always be that one person, that little sweet kid, that fuzzy fur ball who was a total rock-a-feller buddy. 




I don't see what anyone else can see in anyone else but you........

Always live by the rule - don't trust anybody sooner than you should.