Randomly Dumb Things – Only posting this because I’m a douchebag and have nothing to do. If you are reading this, you’re probably jobless too….. Go figure!!
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| Dont you DARE argue about that!! |
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
[Well, now we know that carpenters are a very bad therapy choice if you want to get retarded. Perhaps, she ought to have tried some pot or alcohol? Much more pleasurable and guaranteed retardness!]
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
[So now we all know that being pro vegan has got nothing to do with living a longer life! Damn you!! Die vegans! DIEEEEE!!]
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
[Now THAT is a deliberately, very fine artistic touch! R.L. Stine has been inspired by this tragic event and is contemplating on writing a new ‘Goosebumps’ book whose title maybe - Revenge of the Killer Whales???]
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
[If you are a chronic amnesia or a dementia patient – for Christ sake – pick a better profession ya’ Schmuck!!!]
To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved on to intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes in a nonsmoking compartment.
[Always knew Britons [Don’t mean to offend anyone – but just in case you are – apologies!] were perverted. Just dint think, they’d be perverted at the cost of being grouchy socially responsible citizens…]
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
[I wonder how his last moments were. Would have been funny to think that this guy would have been envisioning a stag head trophy in his living room and now, at that very spot – our man’s photo is up with a candle lit in front of it and a plaque that says: Here’s to the dumbest hunter that ever existed on the planet. For Christ’s sake!! Dude, what the fuck were you thinking!!??]
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
[“Citizens of the Chico be warned that from now on anyone detonating a nuke within the city limits will be fined $500. And, anyone found dealing them to you will be fined $1000”. Would have been very effective I say! But, for that small fact that the entire city would have been flattened like a bug that got squished by a bulldozer and there would have been no one around to go about collecting the fine!]
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
[Sounds interesting! There are a couple of people that I would want to shoot in the ass. Just wondering if this is a good decoy to actually get them to have to place a beer can on their buttocks so I can like shove a shotgun up theirs and go bang!??]
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
[Must have been one very happy President!! Dear Mr. Walter, we are sorry to break it to you that we are looking for more ‘intellectual leaders’ and since you obviously have no such talent, we are laying you off and paying you a $26 million package to show you just exactly how intelligent someone has to be to occupy this chair. Perhaps, AT&T got a little too intelligent here? As they say, too much of anything is AWESOME!!]
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system."
[Poor guy must have never heard of bad karma, vaastu and Feng Shui. Next time, Oh fuck it!!! Right now, I want to laugh till my sides ache!!! God!! Reminds me of that quote: God is a comedian playing to an audience of people too scared to laugh at his wicked sense of humor.]
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
[I will rule this in favor of the husband! The guy must have been really tense although, how on earth he figured out the two minutes makes me wonder – what the hell was he up to??]
A 25-year-old Argentine man pushed his 20-year-old wife out of an eighth-floor window after an argument, but her fall was broken when her legs became entangled in power lines below. A police spokesperson told the state-run Telam news agency that when the husband saw the woman dangling beneath him, he apparently tried to throw himself on top of her to finish her off. He missed, however, and fell to his death. Meanwhile, the woman managed to swing over to a nearby balcony and was saved.
[And, the Argentine School Board is considering having this tragic episode included in the school curriculum to educate school children on how anger is bad for you. Meanwhile, elsewhere in a dingy basement room, a computer gaming freak is also considering having a new fatality programmed for the ‘Mortal Kombat’ game series based on this episode.]
Pierre Beaumard, a French factory worker suffering from various obsessional fears and an inability to relate to others, decided to join a therapy group. Mr. Beaumard was encouraged to sandwich himself between two matresses, and allow other group members to walk on him to "stamp out his complexes." After several minutes of this treatment, Beaumard was crushed to death.
[I’ am pretty sure all of his complexes got stamped out – along with him – the whole nine yards of it.]
Workmen in Rome, digging gravel for ballast, were instructed to dig from one central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes. They unearthed an ancient plaque inscribed in Latin, which turned out to be a sign intended for workman digging ballast for Roman ships. It instructed them to dig from a central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes.
[Talk about having to deal with the past……. That creeps me out….. Really!]
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
[You could go ahead and ask. That might help. Just make sure you don’t have anyone from a mental asylum within five miles of you while you seemingly talk to the screen waiting for IT to get ready.]
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."
[That is just plain wicked circumstance…… I can’t imagine what exactly was under the carpet. On second thought, no never mind, I don’t want to imagine either!]
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
[The first person is a sardarji, a mallu or a blonde – plain simple. Period!]
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
[Oh, so that is why my mother always used to say, don’t leave your baggage unattended. Dude got fucked big time dint he?]
At a sad good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
[Bastard!!! I always knew our manager was a sadist dumb fuck.]
My mom's friend is a teacher at a nearby high school. Well, one day, she assigned her class a paper on World War 2. The day it was due, one boy came in empty handed. The teacher asked him why. He simply replied, "I went to every library I could find, but I found NOTHING on World War 2. I found a lot of books on World War 11, though."
[Something about this instance is so warm and innocent. It kinda reminds me of the times when I could not understand the difference between the Roman numerals and the conventional numbers system.]
In one of my high school classes we were going to have a mock trial. The teacher asked who wanted what roles. My friend raised her hand and said, "I'll be the prostituting attorney!"
[ Sure, and do you charge by the hour or the minute or by the scope of services you offer ma’am?]
Once while riding around Myrtle Beach with my parents, I saw a sign that read "Topless Bar." My sister and I, both pre-adolescents, wondered how did the bar-goers keep from getting wet when it rains. The thought occupied my mind for years until someone finally told me what a topless bar was!
[I’ m somehow pretty sure she works in one right now. I can’t explain it, but I just do know. In which case, I need to smoke out her place of work and visit sometime. Maybe I could get a few extra minutes for being cute when I tell her this story?]
One day I was talking to my brother about a girl I know named Heather. I was telling him that I thought that she was cheating on her boyfriend and pregnant with the other guy's child. My brother got this very surprised look on his face and said, "Does Heather know?"
[No you dumb fuck!! Heather does not know. Like doh!??.... Are you for real??]
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| That cracks me up..... |
Real Crimes Committed By Dumb Criminals:
Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a Plexiglas window...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.
[Next time, try a battering ram or wear a heavy duty helmet for your head ya schmuck!!]
When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid..."
[Agreed]
A man was arrested for stealing a car. When he was taken to court for his arraignment the judge asked, how do you plead? Instead of saying guilty or not guilty the man said: "Before we go any further, judge, let me explain why I stole the car." The judge ruled in record time.
[Oh, for Christ sake!! The guy is atleast trying to be honest about the theft! How is someone going to believe in the virtues of honesty if it’s gonna pack’em off to jail?]
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody moves!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
[Congratulations!! For someone who drives such a hard bargain, you would have made a fantastic sales rep. Only, just don’t go about killing people trying to sell them stuff.]
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
[I think I have seen one of those in a TV program for funny fucked up robberies. Like I mentioned, earlier – maybe you should try using a detonator bomb next time?]
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
[Mate! You got the whole idea of identification wrong. Is this where the idiom – Straight from the horse’s mouth – applies? :Sniff: Wren and Martin would be proud!]
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
[Oh, you sir are playing a dangerous game. I LOVE IT!!!!]
Oakland, California: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up.
[Don’t understand what the fuck the guy was doing trying to play possum for TWO hours!?? Narcissistic jackass! I’m sure he feels nice about being arrested at the end of it.]
Medford, Oregon: A 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."
[Sure, and if your dad had probably not busted his nuts because he forgot the rubber as a result of getting impossibly drunk before porking your mother, YOU probably would’nt have happened either. Best thing, really.]
Some criminals are not too bright and here's one to prove that: (at the time of booking)
Officer: What is your D.O.B.?
Criminal: What's a D.O.B., man?
Officer: When's your birthday?
Criminal: May 5th
Officer: What year?
Criminal: Every year, man.
[ROFL!!! That is just plain humorous.]
Ionia, Michigan: When two service station attendants refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
[I’m pretty sure that is not what the local police department meant when they tell you that they are your best friends. But, you probably know that by now!]
And the ACE in the Hole :
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| Dude, how much more retarded can you get???? |
There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous folk climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down. Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it. Public Service employees later pieced the rest of the story together... The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower. Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines, like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet. When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced to his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower. The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top of the tower.
[I can’t imagine the AWESOMENESS of this whole scenario. Dude does the unthinkable – gets upset over a fight, climbs a fucking electric transmission pole to get some air, takes BEER with him [WoW!! Badass maan! REAL Badass!], has the BALLS to actually take a leak from 60 feet above AND do it on top of a fucking electric pole, gets BLOWN big time [Must have been nothing like how his girlfriend blew his load off], gets roasted and found with very ugly looking privates AND leaves a single beer on top of the tower like a coup ’de grace. Too bad he totally scarred his sweet girlfriend over a damn fight. How do I know she was sweet?? Any guy who’s gonna do shit like losing his balls on top of a power line had a very adorable girlfriend. All I can say is Rest In Peace. You’re the fucking king of Aces!]
Kutti
XOXOXO
So why is it that, the people you totally let in on your life and make an effort to know and understand and respect totally get you wrong?. Being taken for granted at times is okay. I 'am talking about the times when they totally believe that you go about doing things you would never even imagine doing. Especially, to people you care for in a sublime way. Why? And, this idiosyncrasy of assuming that two people are in a relationship just because they get along really well is such a lame thing. I mean, if every guy who talks to every girl has to put up with the tag of being 'a couple'; there is then no room for a nurturing friendship. On the other hand, we do have friends of the opposite gender that totally get along well with us and sometimes even better than the person we may currently be seeing. So that means, friendship can exist in peace without too much importance being driven to the relationship side. And, yet sometimes things fall apart so terribly, its crazy.
